Just a little background before I give you the cut: Duo finds out he's a necromancer and that there really are such things as monsters that go bump in the night. Just before this little bit, Duo gets trapped by a bunch of kids who are being controlled by a master vampire and develops some understandably strong feelings of revulsion and refusal. [So he ran to his room, locked the door and jumped in the ice-cold shower.]
It's impossible to understand what I was thinking at that time.
The only reason I can remember anything is because while my main
self was cowering in the shower and whimpering like a lost three-
year-old, there was a tiny part of myself that was merely watching,
not caring about what was happening in the slightest. I've always
found that part of myself disturbing; it's the part of me that
lets me kill people and be able to sleep afterwards, or blow up
buildings and not think about how many people died. It was white,
neutral blankness that was the essence of nothing.
I didn't want to know what had happened to me. I wanted to erase
the last fifteen minutes of my life. My friends - no, I guess they
weren't my friends any more - had touched me, in ways that I never
wanted anyone to touch me.
And I had enjoyed it. God forgive me, on some deep, primal level,
I had been aroused by it.
I was dirty, and it wasn't dirt that the shower could wash away. I
wanted to hide where no one would ever see me, so that no one
would be able to see how dirty I was. I wanted to scrape the filth
off with my fingernails, only I couldn't seem to make my hands
I don't know how long I sat beneath the freezing spray. It could
have been a minute, it could have been an hour, a day, a year. At
first, the cold water made my skin sting, given me pain that I
could cling to - it wasn't tainted by the touch of monsters. All
too soon everything went numb, and all I could do was shiver. I
shook so hard that I was having a tough time breathing; every now
and then my body jerked and I hit the back of my head against the
shower wall. My uniform was clinging to my body like a second skin
of ice. The cold reached down through my soul until I was afraid
that I would never be able to be warm again.
The monsters under the bed were real, and they could look just
like my classmates.
I couldn't do this.